This morning I was woken up at 10.04 am by a phonecall from a loud Scottish woman. She asked if I could attend a literacy and numeracy test in a hotel in Wolverhampton tomorrow. It's part of the application process for a job I've applied for. The only problem is the job. It involves working at the job centre.
My experience of the job centre so far hasn't been a glowing one. Despite applying for jobseekers allowance three weeks ago I still haven't been given a penny because they can't seem to grasp the fact that I've left university [maybe it's because none of them know what university is? BURNEDD] Anyway when I went for my 'jobseekers interview' I was seen by a woman called Bal [is that a real name?] and then a woman called Anne who had crooked teeth and a lisp [no doubt caused by the crooked teeth]. It was Anne's job to explain the job seekers agreement with me. I noticed that in my jobseekers agreement she had made several typos. She also gave me some cracking advice:
Anne: If you're job seeking the best way to go about it is to start handing out your CV to employers.
Me: [bewildered nod]
So clearly that's where I was going wrong. Thanks Anne.
Then Anne asked me for three areas of work I'd like to look for. These were going to be my 'job steps' which doesn't really make any sense because I assume she wanted three different areas of work, not three connected areas of work that I can climb like a ladder. Either way she didnt explain the logic behind the 'job steps'. But then I realised there is none.
Me: Well anything which involves working with writing would be ideal. So like, publishing, media, magazines, that kind of thing.
I watched her type 'publishing' into the first box and then delete it. She went to type it again and paused. I decided to fill the silence to try and spur her on.
Me: I'm also looking for jobs in shops and retail at the moment too.
Anne seemed to like this idea and took it upon herself to combine my love of writing with the search for a shop job. In my first job step box she wrote 'book store/retail'.
Anne: Would you be interested in working in a supermarket at all?
Me: [frowning slightly] Erm I suppose..
In my second job step box she wrote 'supermarket' and she must've been on a roll by this point because in my third job step box she wrote 'cashier'.
So my amazing job steps are:
1. book store/retail 2. supermarket 3. cashier
Ridiculous.
Days later whilst I was browsing the internet [another stellar recommendation from Anne, 'you should check for jobs online too'] searching for a position that could fulfill my vibrant job steps, I came across a vacancy for a customer service officer. I clicked on it and it happened to be working for the job centre doing Anne's job :O She makes between £15,000 and £17,000 a year, sitting there typing badly and making things up! Jammy bitch. So I decided to apply. I had nothing better to do.
Now they want to see if I'm literate and numerate. At first the idea made me a little nervous. Then I looked at the example questions and found out that you get given a calculator and the answers are multiple choice :P I bet Anne had to mop her brow a few times during hers. If I'm up to scratch I get an interview [I wonder if Anne is the interviewer..]
The only fly in the ointment is that if I worked there I have to work a fixed contract of a year and a half and also I'd feel like a sellout. For as long as I remember I've said to myself, 'I'd rather be poor than do a job I hate' and here I am considering working a desk job surrounded by people who can't talk and can't type. Also the whole jobseekers allowance process has pissed me off no end because they mess people around and stereotype unemployed people. I'm not sure I want to be championing that winning system. But if I did I'd only do it for the fixed contract and then leave. It's just a temporary blip in the sorry state of my graduate life and I plan to save up the money I earn and put it towards my masters fund [which is currently non-existent :P], so really its a means to a good end. An end which will hopefully make it easier for me to find a job I adore. And also I kinda like the idea of me being the Florence Nightingale of the job centre. Someone who actually knows what it's like to live with an unemployed family, who knows how shitty the system can be and who has the common sense to explain certain things and give them extra advice on the best ways to sell themselves. If I get it then maybe I can do a little something to show that the job centre isn't all that bad.
Hmmmm.
PS; Seeing Fern Britton's final 'This Morning' show has made me want to be her. Just without the gastric band. I want to present morning TV...LIVE! But only with the silver fox that is Phillip Schofield ;D
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